Dreams vs Reality
by Bubina
Summary: Heero is badly hurt, will he die? How will Duo handle it? Warnings: 1x2 (3x4, 2x5 implied), mature themes.


Dreams vs Reality  
  
Warnings: 1x2. (3x4, 2x5 implied)  
  
Author's note: I thought this up one night, I just thought up part of it, then decided how to start and finish it, and wrote the inbetweens. Hope you enjoy it.  
  
"Heero?"  
  
"Mmm..."  
  
"Heero? Can you hear me? Heero?!"  
  
Duo bent over Heero and placed a cheek by his mouth. "He's not breathing!" he announced to Trowa, Quatre and Wufei.  
  
Duo pinched Heero's nose shut with his thumb and index finger and started performing artificial resusitataion. Heero's chest rose and feel with Duo's, but he wasn't able to breathe on his own.  
  
"Wufei, check his pulse!" Duo called over, panic-stricken.  
  
Wufei gently picked up Heero's wrist. The arm was heavy, unmoving and pale. Wufei pressed his index finger on Heero's pulse point. "Nothing."  
  
Duo looked up. "Move over!" He pushed Wufei from beside Heero and checked Heero's pulse. "No... nothing." He slapped Heero's cheeks gently. "Heero! Come on Heero!" Once again he turned to the other three pilots. "Isn't there a hospital near here? We can save him, can't we?"  
  
Quatre shook his head. "It's too late Duo. He's gone."  
  
***  
  
Duo sat on the edge of his bed, wine glass in hand.  
  
"Half-empty?" he thoughr, swaying the glass to the left, so that the red wine inside almost tipped out. "Half-full?" This time he swayed the glass to the right.  
  
The entire room was spinning. He blinked twice and shook his head. Why did life feel like a dream all the time? Why were his dreams of Heero so real? "An even better question... why am I drunk all the time?" he thought.  
  
None of the other pilots knew. He had hidden it well. All the alcohol was stored in his drawer, under lock and key. It was all there... whisky, gin, brandy, wine, vodka, cointreau... it was all there. It was his addiction. When he drank, his life seemed a dream, when he dreamt it seemed real. He dreamt of him and Heero together again.  
  
Duo looked up from the wine glass he held in his hands as though his life depending on it. He looked down the row of beds in the room... Trowa, Wufei, Quatre, and an empty bed in the corner. Heero's.  
  
Duo snarled in rage and flung the wine glass across the room. To him it seemed to move in slow motion until it hit the wall and shattered. He didn't care about waking any of the other pilots. He got off the bed and steadied himself and walked slowly over to his drawer. He fumbled with the key for a few minutes, eventually managing to put it in the lock.  
  
More alcohol smiled up at him.  
  
"Duo?" came a sleepy voice.  
  
Duo panicked for a moment, then quickly closed his drawer. He turned around and tried to focus on who had called him.  
  
"Duo, are you alright? I thought I heard something break." It was Quatre.  
  
"No, I'm fine," Duo slurred, still under the effects of what he had drunk. What bhad/b he drunk? He tried to remember, but his mind was hazy. The wine, the vodka, some cointreau. Or was it whisky? He shook his head to clear his thoughts. The room still spun.  
  
"Are you sure you're okay? What are you doing up at this time of night?"  
  
Duo walked over to his desk, swaying a little. He picked up his diary and a pen. "Writing in my diary, Quatre."  
  
"At this time of night?" Quatre sniffed the air. "What's that smell?"  
  
"What smell?" Duo lisped. "It's your imagination. Get back to sleep."  
  
Quatre shrugged and put his head under the covers again.  
  
Duo staggered back to his bed and unlocked his diary. He started to write, slowly, his hand unsteady. He could barely read the words he scrawled. He stopped after half a page and flung the diary and pen on the floor beside his bed. He pulled off the blanket, almost falling over with the force, then clambered into the bed. He lay his head on the pillow and slept.  
  
***  
  
"Guys, I'm worried about Duo," Quatre announced that morning to Trowa and Wufei. "He stays awake till the early hours of the morning, and sleeps till the afternoon. I know it must be because of Heero's death... but what if it's something else too?"  
  
"Why don't you ask him?" Trowa said, putting an arm around Quatre.  
  
"I asked him last night, because he had woken me up. He said it was nothing. I'm not a mind reader you know!"  
  
"So read his diary." Wufei snickered.  
  
"I could never do that!" Quatre said, shocked that Wufei would even think of invading Duo's privacy.  
  
"Well I will," Trowa said.  
  
"So would I," Wufei agreed.  
  
Quatre shrugged in disbelief. He looked up to the ceiling. "I hear footsteps. He must be awake."  
  
***  
  
Duo opened his eyes and blinked as the bright sunlight stung them. "Must cover up the glass," he thought. "Then I'll clean it up later."  
  
He pulled his blanket off the bed and walked to the corner beside Heero's bed where a million shards of glass lay. He lay the blanket over them. "Just like I lay my jacked on Heero's cold body," he thought, tears stinging his eyes.  
  
He left the room and headed for the bathroom. He looked into the mirror and saw his reflection look back at him. He looked terrible. His hair was a mess and his eyes were bloodshot. He felt a mess too. He felt a mess bevery/b morning. He was dizzy, and had a terrible headache. He rubbed his temples slowly, and headed for the stairs.  
  
He plodded slowly down the stairs and walked into the kitchen.  
  
The three other pilots looked at him. Why did he look like this every morning?  
  
"Duo, you're a mess!" Quatre cried.  
  
Duo shrugged. "I have a terrible headache. Is there any aspirin?"  
  
Quatre nodded, and Duo walked over to the medicine cabinet and pulled out two tablets. He swallowed them with some water. "I'm gonna go lie down on the sofa." He went to the sitting room and lay on the sofa. He looked at the cabinet opposite. It had 5 cupboards, one for each gundam pilot to place some personal belongings. His gaze fell on Heero's. It had hurt so much to go through Heero's stuff, to find that old card Duo had given him, to hold his gun... Next he looked at his own cupboard. Another space to store more bottles of alcohol.  
  
He heard many sets of footsteps going upstairs and decided to risk having some. He pulled the door open and fished about for a small bottle of gin under the many papers he had in there. Finally, he found what he wanted and opened the cap. He let the smell of alcohol waft into his nostrils.  
  
He hadn't taken the aspirin to clear his head. He didn't care to have a clear head. He took them so the alcohol would affect him more easily. He downed the bottle in a few swigs, then threw the empty bottle into the cupboard, slamming the door.  
  
"What's this?" came a shout from upstairs.  
  
"Shit!" Duo cursed. "The glass!" He ran upstairs and burst into their sleeping quarters. Wufei and Quatre were cleaning up the glass. Where was Trowa? Duo looked over to the desk and saw Trowa flipping through a small black book... his diary!  
  
"Trowa?" Duo shouted. "What the hell do you think you're doing with my diary?"  
  
Trowa closed the diary and got up calmly. Quatre emptied the handpan into the garbage bin and stood up. "No, Duo. What the hell are byou/b doing?"  
  
Wufei threw the blanked into the washing basked and turned to face Duo.  
  
"What do you mean 'what am I doing?'" Duo asked, loooking as innocent as possible.  
  
"I read your diary, Duo," Trowa announced. "We know about the alcohol."  
  
"We just want to help you, Duo," Quatre said, walking towards Duo slowly.  
  
Duo didn't seem to hear Quatre's last words. He was walking up to Trowa, a horrifyingly angry look in his eyes. "How dare you?" he said through gritted teeth. "How dare you?" he cried.  
  
"Duo, you've been drinking," Trowa noted, smelling alcohol on the other pilot's breath.  
  
"So what? At least I didn't invade your privacy!" With that, Duo flung himself at Trowa. He clasped his hands around Trowa's neck and held on tight. Shaking with rage he started swearing at Trowa. "How dare you? Don't you have any respect for me? Don't you have any bloody respect?"  
  
Trowa coughed in shock and grasped Duo's arms, trying to full himself free. "Calm down and let go of me!" he shouted.  
  
Wufei ran over to the two and tried to pull them apart. He finally dislodged Duo's hands and held them apart. Trowa seemed calm now, but Duo was far from calm. He tried to get past Wufei, jumping up and down in range, pointing a finger at Trowa and screaming at him all the while."  
  
Wufei turned to Duo and punched him on his left temple. "Stop it!"  
  
Duo fell to the ground, stunned by the force of Wufei's fist. "Duo, you're drunk," Wufei told him. "Calm down and explain why you've been drinking."  
  
"No."  
  
"Is it about Heero?"  
  
Tears started to well up in Duo's eyes. Wufei pulled him up off the floor and sat him on one of the beds.  
  
"Well?" Wufei asked.  
  
"When I'm drunk I hallucinate that he's here with us. I want him here with us... so I get drunk." Duo said in shame, his eyes concentrating on the carpet. One thing about being drunk, he thought to himself, is that it makes you more honest.  
  
"How often?"  
  
"Everyday."  
  
Wufei shook his head and took hold of Duo's hand.  
  
"I'm just so lonely. No-one could replace him. No-one." Duo moved his face closed to Wufei's. "You understand don't you?" He had the sudden urge to feel Wufei's lips on his. He moved his face closer.  
  
"Duo what are you doing?" Wufei asked him.  
  
"I..." Duo started. Suddenly, his skin paled and he bent over suddenly to rest his chin on his knees. He was shaking.  
  
"Duo?" Wufei placed a hand on Duo's back. He could feel the convulsions.  
  
Soon enough, Duo vomited onto the carpet. He started coughing and wiped his mouth. "Sorry," he said, starting to sober up. He lay back and stared at the ceiling. "What a mess I am."  
  
He got up from the bed. "I'm going to the bathroom to take a shower." He walked to the bathroom and undressed himself. The cold water refreshed him and he unbraided his hair under the water and ran his fingers through it.  
  
After a few minutes he stepped out the shower and wrapped a towel around himself. He walked back to the sleeping quarters and asked the other pilots to leave so that he could get dressed. He removed the towel from his hair and dried it as best he could. He pulled on his clothes and braided his hair, tying it securely at the bottom.  
  
He sat on the bed silently, motionlessly for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually he got up and walked over to his drawer. He wouldn't need this alcohol any more. He held a bottle by the neck and smashed it against the wall. Bottle after bottle, he smashed them one by one, until there was nothing left except for a mess on the carpet.  
  
He heard footsteps coming from downstairs. "Must be them coming to check on me," he thought.  
  
He sat on the floor with his back to the wall and pulled at his braid so hard that it hurt him. He was holding the tied end with his left hand and the part nearest his head with his right. He pulled the braid taut between his fingers and pressed it against his neck till it blocked his windpipe.  
  
He couldn't breathe and felt himself getting warmer.  
  
"DUO!" Quatre burst into the room.  
  
Duo remained motionless, only focusing his eyes on the blonde pilot. Quatre ran up to him and tried to stop him.  
  
Duo kicked out viciously with what little strength was left in him and Quatre stumbled. Duo's eyes began to close. How long had it been since he last breathed? The room was spinning once again but he wasn't drunk.  
  
He closed his eyes.  
  
Heero appeared in front of him once again, but he wasn't drunk. 


End file.
